Three minutes after midnight, in a small room in a townhouse with one man and a cat (the other man has moved out while a third is working somewhere in the world on a cruise for the next month or so), I am listening to the speech of an author whose book I slowly savour, in between the various tasks on the multitudinous list of things that I get up to in a day and week and month. I probably read a chapter every few weeks or so. The book is called EAT, PRAY, LOVE and Elizabeth Gilbert speaks particularly well this night to my need to nurture the creative within as she talks about the nature of ‘creative genius’.
http://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html
It’s a corner I’m turning. From self critic to self champion. From self doubt to self assuredness. From fear to love, nurturance, work, effort. I’ve long been at this, but it’s amazing what happens when the last success is behind you. You wonder: what next? And as the money flows outwards and doubt pours in to replace what’s gone, it’s such a head trip, such a game, such a strange thing. For me, I search for reassurance, outwardly, but know that it is me who must give it to my self. I’ve started with a rather bold move to NOT get on a plane in two weeks and head to the Dubai job fair for international school teachers and secure a job for September, which would effectively be like chopping the head off of this lovely green and growing thing that I’ve planted and watered these past eighteen months. I’ve deliberately decided that I owe it to myself to stay the course, and that’s after yet another attempt and failure to get a job that I obviously wasn’t meant to get as employment counsellor. I’m obviously meant to be writing songs, out there playing, and finding my way with this thing called: music. I get it I get it I get it I get it.
I am blessed with a spiritual mentor in the United States who still, to this day, after twenty years, knows how to talk to me when I find myself confused about what I am doing. Our discourse has been decades in the making now, and it continues. She is a dear friend, also. The other day I wrote to her, shared with her my business plan and, with it, some of the most intimate workings of my process. As important as any business mentor is, for me, a mentor and diviner of The Divine, for some days I confess I feel it is only through divine intervention that I’m going to ‘get there’, wherever ‘there’ is. Sue emailed back with the perfect antidote:
“Angst can go whenever you choose to send it on its way. Darkness dissipates by turning within to the Light switch of the Divine Mother. Hmm, I never use that expression. But perhaps it’s that very primal nourishment and reassuring, unchanging love you desire to realize. Well, my sweet, it’s right where you are, along with Divine Father/Source/Strength/Wisdom.
Your plan looks amazing…you are a marvel. Do you really get that? Do you really take that in? The depth and degree of your creativity is truly awesome, God as you is one mightily gifted and endowed expression of what is possible, when one realizes that “enlightenment is not a mountaintop you claw your way to. It is an identity you recognize.” Alan Cohen.
So stand in the Spirit of all you are. Live in the Grace of each moment. Be grateful for all that you are, all that Is, has been and shall forevermore be, and trust the process of Life to continue to move you forward where God/Allah/Buddha/Mind/Spirit/ wants you to be, in order that “It” experience itself ever more fully and joyously by means of you.
All my love and blessings galore,
Spiritual mentor type/Sue”
Of course, I was inspired by this. Sue and I used to have long discussions about what The Divine was comprised of. I have a chapter for a book with her name on it. Our discussion almost fifteen years ago about God being in everything had me wondering if that included ‘in’ the water bottle on Sue’s desk. A voracious water drinker she is. I shared the chapter with her, in case I never finish the manuscript.
In response to this latest reminder to stop belittling myself for all that I am presently unable to do, I thanked Sue, penned another short reflection about the subject. To my surprise, there came yet another letter from Sue, who is often much too busy to extend to me this kind of time and attention in my existential moments, and I don’t expect it of her.
“I salute your courage and determination to forge ahead with focused attention placed on “being where you are” and proceeding forwrd from that point. That to me is working in harmony with the progressively unfolding and orderly pattern of creative fulfillment that now has the opening through you to manifest wonders…whoo, that’s a mouthfull.
Affirmative statements of Truth to use on your journey.
I give myself the reassurance that up until now I sought from the outside.
I Am confident, self-assured and joyously give my creative gift with the full acceptance of the good that returns to me.
I Am the spiritual authority in my life. I love, honor, respect and revere Spirit as me.
I discover new gems from within the vast treasures of my Divine Self.
I express these glistening aspects of God as me with deep gratitude and joy for all that I essentially Am.
I give thanks for the true abundance that blesses, flourishes and prospers me throughout my life.
I awaken to my true Self and to its magnificence and greatness by leaving the darkness and entering fully into the light!
My future is brillliant with Infinite possibilities because I Am the Infinite in finite expression!
All my love and blessings galore,
Sue”
I betray nothing by sharing. Indeed, not to share would feel, today, like hoarding, and I am of the mind today that you get back in proportion to what you give. And I AM opening up, giving more, and committing myself to my work here in England.
No surprise, then, that good things are happening. I have recruited a London-based booking agent, and other good things are happening (more when there’s news to tell). I’ve also had some profound discussions this month with a producer/friend from Canada who passed through England and who met me at a Pret Manger for a tea. Oh, it was like going home. Canadian accents, studio gossip, artistic musings, mutual self analysis, running with the wolves. Lovely! I’ve sat with a sculptor friend who reminded me that success, much as it is marked by money in the music business, for sales say something, is more broadly defined than by money. The greatest of artists often die before they’re fully recognized for their accomplishments. How that felt comforting…I can only say, it simply gave me permission to go my own way, at my own pace, according my ideals. I’ll do the work, as author Elizabeth Gilbert says. I’ll do the work.
And, so, I feel a clarity that comes with settling into a decision to stay in the UK amongst the plethora of players that I find in my midst. Some of them are meant to work with me. We’ll find each other. Currently, I’m pleased with my band lineup: Debbie Busby, Rosie Smith and Zoe Mulford. We’ll grow together.
And now it’s late. One fourteen a.m. Regardless of how you source the creative-most intelligence that ultimately manifests as…art, I suppose I wanted to share these thoughts as a reminder to you and to me: chop wood, carry water. It’s about the work. JFDI. Do it. Dream it. Do it. Let’s take heart in knowing our genius, in knowing we are alone with it sometimes but never alone in it.
LL.
